Shellswick Presents...

"The Italian's Future Bride"
Michelle Reid


Ohh wow...Where to start...Rafaelle Villani and Rachel Carmichael are today's couple...And what a couple.
So, Rachel has a stepsister, named Elise, who is married to a jealous Greek tycoon, and Elise was feeling neglected, so she "stepped out" on GT with Rafaelle and they were photographed. GT got really jealous and accused Elise of cheating on him so Elise told GT that the girl in the picture was really Rachel. GT isn't convinced. *sighs* SOOO Rachael puts on the dress that Elise wore in the picture and poses with Rafaelle. The paparazzi takes a bunch of pictures and Rafaelle drags Rachel to his car and drives to his apartment to find out what the hell was going on. Rachel explains and Rafaelle decides the only reasonable solution is to go and tell all the reports outside his apartment that they (Rach and Rafe) are engaged. Naturally. So, they make the sex, he realizes he forgot the condom so Rachel has to move in with him and act like they are REALLY engaged in case she is pregnant.
Then they go to Italy and Rafaelle sees her talking to her ex-lovah, who is also Italian, and he gets jealous and calls her names and she gets mad and takes a pregancy test, and when it comes back negative, she says she is going to leave. Naturally, they both realize they are in love and WANTED a baby, so they decided to really really get married.
And I threw up. In my mouth. Not a little. And, just for the record, we never meet Elise or her husband...they are just mentioned.
But, we all know that telling someone about something is never as awesome as experiencing it for oneself. And man oh boy was this little number doggeared...

"'Anyways,' she (Rachel ed.) went on after a moment. 'She (Elise ed.) took me up on the offer (to fake the pictures ed.) and really started to cheer up and be her old self! But I had no idea she was out there enjoying herself with another man...'
'Oh, call it as it is cara, we had the hots for each other.'" p. 46

"Had the hots for each other"? Really? REALLLY? Is that better than "enjoying herself"? Are they 11, and living in the 70's?

"But- look at him, she told herself helplessly as he began striding towards her. He was so gloriously magnificent in his anger, his face muscles stretched tight across his amazing bone structure and his torso pumped up like a warrior about to begin a slaying-fest." p.54

I have no idea. A warrior what? Is that sexy? And I don't play World of Warcraft so I don't know much about slaying-fest...maybe they are super erotic. But I doubt it.

"His arm was around her shoulders now, hugging her to him and keeping her upright.
'Smile,' he hissed and she smiled like an alien.'" p. 55

Now, I don't know if that means that she smiled in the manner of one who leaves ones nation of origin to reside in another land, OR, if it means a creature from another planet or galaxy to comes to Earth. Either way, I have no idea what the smile looked like. And if you are honest with yourself, deep in your heart, you will admit, you have no idea either.

"No, frightening me -frightening me! Rachel repeated - though only inside her head where a strange tumbling darkness was gathering, closing around her like a cold mist that begahn to take her legs from beneath her and brought forth a string of soft tight curses as she began to go limp." p. 57

Boy, if mist trips people, London and San Fransisco must be FULL of people falling down.

"First a gift, now a trained whore. Rachel stiffened like a board. 'How dare you?' she breathed furiously.
'Very indignant,' he commended. 'But I have just had the life essense squeezed out of me by the kind of muscles I did not know a woman could possess and you kiss like a delightfully, greedy, well-seasoned Circe (I had to look up what that meant in this context, I know knew about the Homer Circe, apparently, it can also mean "a dangerously or irresistibly fascinating woman" ed.), amore-dangerous, but I'm hooked.'" p. 80

Rafaelle is supposed to be a well seasoned playboy, man of the world type who didn't know about kegels? And life essense? Oy.

"Rachel looked at the way he was standing there like some arrogant autocrat caught with his pants down by his bitch of a wife. Only his parents were up; it was his shirt that was missing and the bitch of a wife in this case was the gift he'd been handed and enjoyed thoroughly- before he'd thought to wonder where she had been before she'd landed in his bed!" p. 85

That analogy is like a really good analogy that really helps explain a situation, only the analogy was terrible and the situation isn't any more clear.

"She had just indulged in uninhibited sex with a stranger without any protection; now his millions of sperm were chasing through her body in a race towards their ultimate goal!" p. 87

Wow. Graphic. We know how babies are made, we didn't need that very upsetting mental image.

"And I look like death because I hardly had any sleep last night, she threw back at him without saying the words out loud. Because out loud meant opening a Pandora's box full of what they'd been doing instead of sleeping.
The indifferent-tasting sandwich was washed down by indifferent-tasting coffee. Rachel was surprised he ate his sandwich or drank the coffee. They just didn't look like the kind of food this man would usually put anywhere near his mouth." p. 107

A Pandora's box full of sex? I'm not entirely sure that the author knew who Pandora was or what her box was...I think she thought it was dirty and that was why it fit?? Maybe? And then the sandwich thing? Are poor people known for eating indifferent food? Or do Italian tycoon's not eat sandwiches and coffee? Help us understand!!

"'You- you-'
'Had it all under control ,' he smoothly provided. 'Which, in Italian terms, makes the difference between a mere good lover and a fabulous lover.'
Rachel knew exactly what he meant, which was the hardest thing to take." p.109

Well, I am glad she does. *I* don't. The "it" that was under control, wasn't sex. It was driving. So...wtf?!!?!

"He did not need asking twice. Their clothes fell away like rags for jumble." p. 186

Hey, book, you know what...I have no idea what that means and I don't care. I am done. You are obviously just being a jerk and frankly, I am sick of it. So, ner.

NEW! IMPROVED! LESS NITRATES!

This is a new blog. It is mine. As my friends know, I have a tremendous appetite for horrible things, and I think you might develop a taste for them too, if you give them a chance. Or, if not, perhaps you will find some tasty schadenfreude. I will be discussing movies, books, tv shows...anything I can find that is awful and yet awesome at the same time.
Either way, I hope you like it and...tell your friends!


And those of you who read my Harlequin blog...I will be closing that and posting those entries here as well as making new ones here.